Insecurity

I feel like I’m starting to lose track of the days here already.  Didn’t take long did it?  Haha

We are sitting though about 6 hours of content a day every day.  Sounds like a lot right?  It definitely is.

They do try to break it up and make it a mix of things and that helps with what you would assume would be the monotony of it all.

Though lots of great and wonderful things occurred today, including a super awesome and humbling bonfire, I am feeling insecure.  I shared with my roommate tonight that I am feeling a bit less than good enough.  I want to do this work to show the love of God through life, not through words.  I want to live my faith out loud.  I want to know and love people.  I want to hear their stories.

What if that’s not enough?

I feel like I don’t have the Bible knowledge that I would expect a missionary to have.  I feel unequipped to counsel someone through scripture.  I feel more than able to counsel through life experiences and my own perspective, but if they wanted that they could read my blog.  I have been told that it is an expectation of my site to counsel specifically through the Bible.  What if I can’t?  What if I’m not good enough?  What if I am unable to do those things?

I know that this experience is as much about me learning and growing in my faith as it is about me facilitating growth in others, but I’m not sure that I should start with so little Bible knowledge.  Granted, I know the stories, I know generally what happens in the stories, and the gist of what I think I get from the Bible.  I can, however, rarely pick out verses to use at any given point.  I can rarely say as a point of authority that I found this in the Bible.  I run on my general sense of things as I know them.  Most of my advice and counsel runs on life experience as well as Bible knowledge.

Is that enough?

I have not the answer.  Tonight, though, I am feeling like it’s not enough.  I feel like I have my heart in the right place, but that I lack the basic fundamentals for proper job function.

I can only hope and pray that somehow I will be able to allow God to move through me.  To help me learn His word, and to let that further influence how I conduct my life.  I hope that I can provide a fertile space for God to grow and be nurtured within me by my tending and care–which means I actually have to tend it a bit.

I hope like in the song Dry Bones, God can make me something new because I think I’m in need of a makeover.

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