Back in March I got offered a great new job, working with old coworkers, in a different awesome facility.  I was brought on specifically to clean up some messes and help out for a short while.

And it has been great.  Though, I haven’t accomplished everything I wanted to, I feel like I have set some good things in place that they can build on after I leave in two weeks.

There’s one problem.

I am in love with them.

I feed off of being good at my job.  Probably because I feel utterly inadequate in some of the other parts of my life, and my job is something I’m supposed to be good at.  I love to work, and I love doing good work.  This place I’m at now feeds that bit of me. This job allows me to shine and be good, but not to be the boss or in the spotlight in anyway.  I’d rather be behind the scenes, and they let me do just that.  Not only do I love everyone, they seem to like me too.  The staff is great, and the residents are amazing.  They are asking me why I’m leaving, how much longer do they have, why do I have to leave.  On really good days, I find myself asking the same questions….

I’m sitting in my room, and this place is a disaster…  I am moving out of here in two weeks, not a thing is packed, everything is everywhere, and I feel no motivation to pack it.  I do feel something though….  I feel dread.  I am at a point where I’m so excited about this, and have been for so long that I am dreading it’s arrival.  It’s almost better as a thought.  If you can imagine.  I like the interest everyone has in it, and that I actually have something interesting happening in my life.

With a thought, you don’t have to pack, have money, or actually do anything.  You can just think about that far away thing that isn’t ever  really going to get here…  I don’t really have to leave my job.  I don’t really have to try to pack everything up in a tiny box or two.  I’m not ever really going to the Ukraine, I’m just dreaming.

You know what’s even better than a thought?  My reality.  I am really going to the Ukraine, and yes that involves shots, packing, and even leaving this wonderful community I’ve found, but I couldn’t be more excited to be doing this.  I am so excited to be experiencing this part of the plan that God has for me, and though it will most definitely be bittersweet this new chapter is soooo freaking amazing!

As for the dread, I think that it could be dispersed of if I could just take a backpack with some stuff in it and leave the rest of this crap here.  Alas, it must be packed or thrown away.  Sometime before Wednesday I will do just that.  Perhaps I will just look at it for one more night….


2 thoughts on “Dread?

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