Phobia

I am so very blessed.

So.  Very.  Blessed.

There are some days where I stop and think, I am beloved (which is a fantasticly loving word don’t ya think?).  About this time I know you’re rolling your eyes at me.  I know this because I am normally doing the eye rolling, so it’s ok, roll away.

The thing is I haven’t always been in the place.  This place of bliss.  That’s not to say that I haven’t be awesomely blessed in the past, but I’ve also seen my share of never ending bad days.  Days where I felt so lost that up was down and east was west, and I sit here today on this beautiful day where I’ve been tried, felt stupid, and witness death, and yet still I feel so very blessed.  I am overcome with the peace that can only be gifted by God.

It. Is. AWESOME!

In the midst of all of this good feeling stuff is the one thing that can squash it all.

Me.

I decided long ago that I wouldn’t let fear govern my life choices.  That’s a fine thing to say, but when the tires meet the road are you really willing to try to face your fear?

Let me be clear before I continue, I am not just frightened of this thing, like one is of spiders (Momma Lisa is disqualified from that statement).  This is not about something that is uncomfortable.  This is a borderline debilitating phobia.  I am 24, a grown ass person, and I am scared of needles.  I’m talking full out vomit hissy fit scared of needles.  And this isn’t just in the presence of needles, as I type this I am freaking out a little.

Why is this important?

I am going to be a freaking missionary, that’s why.

I have chosen to devote my life to a profession that might require some………vaccinations……..  To say that I hit the jackpot in this placement lottery is an understatement.  Not only am I going to be in the awesome Ukraine working with a great campus ministry, but I’m going to a place with no required vaccines.  None.

The problem?

There are recommended vaccines, one of which (rabies) I am currently having nightmares about.  Furthermore, I was ok with this whole needing to get shots thing when I thought I’d be humiliating myself in front of anonymous medical professionals, however, as an added bonus my program will be having a shot clinic while we’re there.

You remember shot clinics.  They happened when you were in about the 6th grade and the school lined up all the kids in your class and one by one gave each of you hepatitis and whatever other shots you needed at that time.  Bet you’d call me a liar when I told you I was the kid that hid from the shot clinic, had to have the shots administered in the principle’s office, and then go home for the rest of the day.  I am going to be on the verge of peeing my pants in front of 38 of my missionary peers.  Doesn’t that sound like fun in the sun?

The funny thing is, is that of all the things about what my life is about to look like that I could be scared of, this is it.  This is the only thing.  I’m not scared about living in another country for 17 months.  Nor am I scared about any other part of this journey that I am so fortunate to have.  I am scared of the needles.

This is what is threatening to squash my peace.  Needles, the debilitating, humiliating fear of them.  Aka Me.  It’s my phobia, and my burden.  I write this blog in an attempt for some therapeutic peace of mind by way of talking it out.  Truthfully I don’t feel any better.  But that’s not the only reason.  The biggest reason, is that I want something from you.

I want your prayers.

I don’t think that I can do it without them.  Maybe the prayer should be for strength to face them.  Sanity to overcome my infantile fear.  Or, what my prayer will be, that I simply don’t have to get the recommended shots. 🙂

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