Big Girl Pill

I am sure that everyone can look back and think of specific times or moments that changed their lives and made them grow up.  Some things are discovering bills for the first time or your first car accident, whatever it is it makes you take a “big girl pill” (totally stole that from Clean House) and deal with it.  I have a feeling that the events of yesterday are going to be a humongo big girl pill when it is all said and done with…  So here it goes.

I went to the dr last week because of some lower abdominal pain that I have been experiencing since the end of my last period.  I’m not talking just a little pain here or there, I am talking folded up in the floor, at times, pain.  The first doctor I saw said that it was probably nothing, but that he was going to refer me to a gynecologist to have it checked out.  I went to the gynecologist yesterday, thinking that it was probably nothing.  I got there and they did the exam, and at the end said that he wanted to do an ultrasound.  If I wasn’t nervous before I walked in there, I was definitely was then…  When we got all finished he gave me the skinny.  Let me tell ya, there was nothing skinny about it.  I have two huge ovarian cysts, one on each ovary.  These cysts are so large that he felt swelling on my abdomen at the exam part.  They are very painful and are pressing down on my bladder.  They also have polyps on them, and for that reason, I will be referred to an oncologist this coming week. I have never been seriously ill.  I have never been hospitalized, and I have only ever had one iv in my life.  I am petrified at the thought of all of this crap.  I can’t freaking believe it.  When he was telling me all of this, I would like to say that I was strong and asked all the right questions, but the real truth is that all I could do was bawl like a little baby.  I almost could not form words, and at one point I couldn’t.  The reality is that regardless of what the oncologist says I am going to have to have this surgery.  The reality is that the oncologist probably isn’t going to be able to give me any insight until they get these parasites (not that they are really parasites, but I like to think of them in that way) out of me. 

So what’s all this mean?  Heck if I know…  I do know a few things though, I definitely have to swallow the big girl pill and get the surgery, give the blood, take the iv, and whatever else, Narcie is a much stronger woman than me, and something good will come of this, or at least I hope so.

If you want to know if I am going to get to keep my ovaries, if I can have babies, if I will have to chemo it, when the surgery is, or even how long the recovery time is, I have no freaking clue, but I will keep you informed.  I’m just taking it a day at a time, but sometimes that’s even too long…  Yesterday I was taking it moment to moment, but today seems to be going so much better.

I had breakfast with Narcie Jeter today, and I just hope that I can be as strong as she is.  I don’t have a brain tumor and I won’t pretend that it is near as bad as that, but I’m frightened and no reassurance can fix that.  I hope to be able to be positive and keep on keeping on until I have to go to this big nasty surgery.  I am just so thankful that I am surrounded by all of these amazing people who will bring me lunch when I’m sobbing and make me laugh when I’m sad.  I am truly blessed in the midst of all this crud.

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