Change

Who likes change?  The real answer…. nobody.  Whether it’s having to pack up all of your things and move or just as simple as getting glasses (that was a new and exciting adventure that my 21st year brought) change is awful and different.  Does it have to be, and what do we really dislike about the whole thing anyway?  For me, it would be the uncertainty of it all.  Anyone that knows me could tell you that I am a planner, and the thought of changing everything in my little controlled world is terrifying.  The fear of the unknown and uncontrollable can even be disabling at times.  I find myself paralyzed to the life I am currently leading because I am too scared of what a new life might look like.  Might it be better?  Sure, but if what you’re doing now is working why mess with it?  They (whomever they are) say if it a’int broke don’t fix it, but some times you have to break the egg to make the cake.  I am trying, in a very controlled and planned way, to whisk up a life for me.  I am 22 years old and what do I know of life?  I know that I work in a dead end job that is more and more unfulfilling, and I know that I am meant for something better.  I would hate to think that life is meant to be unfulfilling, so I am and have been making a turn.

I had lunch today with three old friends from my music major days that I haven’t seen in quite sometime.  One is a teacher and getting married, one in grad school at Clemson, and one in school but lost in Denver.  They asked me what I was doing now and I told them that I am in these EMT classes, and the teacher friend, said, “well that’s a big change from playing the drums.”  It definitely is.  I have stirred up my life in the last few years, and have ended up in a place that I would have never imagined. Now I feel like it is time for another change.  I want to serve people.  I want to go somewhere where no one knows me and do something great.  I want to step outside of my comfort zone and make a mess.  That’s not to say that I haven’t already made one, and maybe this is my way of cleaning it up.  I miss being a musician every single day.  Go back and forth between having regret for quitting that life and being thankful that I had the courage to quit.  I hope that this new change will help me leave the regret in the dirt.  I am going to put in a million (well maybe not a million) AmeriCorps applications over the next few weeks.  Right now I am just waiting on one reference to tell them how much they love me, and I can start hitting that submit button.  I can’t wait to go somewhere and do something.  The placement I really want is with AmeriCorps NCCC, which does direct service all over the country.  If I actually get this, I might pee all over myself.  Well, maybe not pee but it will be the joy heard around the world.  I am still terrified, but the prospect of starting a new adventure that will be directly helping people in whatever capacity is totally thrilling.  I don’t know where I’ll live or what I will do in the mean time or when I get to where ever I’m going, but I trust that God will take care of those details, and for maybe the first time in my life, I am going to let him.

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6 thoughts on “Change

  1. I applied to AmeriCorps NCCC, too. I’m about as petrified as they come, but I had the same issue when I went away for college. I moved from Southern Illinois to Central Texas. Big change. I knew nobody, and when my brother left me in my dorm on my first day, I cried for a few minutes before starting to move things in before I had to go to a lunch for band.

    It’s these scary, petrifying experiences that help shape us into who we are meant to be. I wrote about this in my own blog (Dreaming of a Life Worth Living). It’s like being afraid of the dark – it’s just an unknown factor. You may bump into things along the way, but in the end, if you trust in God to guide you, you’ll come out exactly where and how HE intended. That’s the important part.

    • Thanks for the encouragement. Did you do band at Baylor? It’s quite a good school. I have a few friends there now.

      And I cried after they left me in the dorms too….

    • You’re telling me! I am pretty sure though that you posted that after lunch… I’m just saying. lol

    • Dude they are sending me emails and I am already trying not to pee all over myself. I am just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited! Terrified, but EXCITED!

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